Evil Love
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker is in a bad mood. Harley Quinn tries to cheer him up, but naturally makes a mess of things instead. And Poison Ivy understands for the first time what can only be described as their evil love.


**Evil Love**

Poison Ivy knocked on the door, cradling a plant carefully under one arm. The door was opened a moment later by the Joker, who glared at her. She glared back as he shouted, "Harley, vegetable for you!"

"C'mon in, Red, I'm just in the kitchen!" Harley's voice shouted. Ivy followed Joker down the hall into the living room, where he threw himself back into his armchair, turning up the volume on the TV.

"What's the Bat up to?" asked Ivy, noticing a familiar caped figure on the news.

"Just nailed Pengers," retorted Joker, glaring at the screen. Footage of Batman leading the Penguin out into a waiting police van in handcuffs was playing while the news announcer was describing the scene.

"The bird had it coming," sniffed Ivy. "A bunch of his stupid crows attacked my vegetable crop. I bet he regretted letting them do that when I paid Scarecrow to act as my Scarecrow and use his fear gas on the little darlings. I've never heard birds scream before."

"Yeah? You never beat Robin to death with a crowbar?" chuckled Joker. "You hear a lot of screaming then, let me tell you!"

"Yeah, yeah, we've all heard this story a million times," sighed Ivy, rolling her eyes. "You killed Robin. Big whoop."

"Well, who've you killed who's close to the Bat?" asked Joker, grinning. "Anyone at all, Pammie? Any sidekicks? Proteges? Girlfriends? Boyfriends? No? You'll wanna shut up then."

Ivy gritted her teeth and headed towards the kitchen. "Y'know what else I did, Pammie?" asked Joker. "I paralyzed Barbara Gordon. Shot the bitch right through the spine. That was pretty fun too. Wouldn't mind repeating the experience."

Ivy turned back to see Joker's gun aimed right at her back. "Go ahead, clown," she murmured. "But I drop this plant and this whole place is filled with Poison Ivy toxin. Harley's immune, but you're not, I understand. So if you think dying would be a lot of fun, you go ahead and pull that trigger."

"Puddin', how many times have I said no gunplay in the living room?" said Harley, entering the room and frowning.

Joker growled, putting the gun away. "Don't tell me what to do, you dumb broad," he muttered. "Get back in the kitchen where you belong. I'm starving."

"Aw, someone's a grumpy baby!" exclaimed Harley, embracing him and kissing his cheek. "I love you, puddin'!"

"I said get back in the kitchen!" he snarled, shoving her away. "And take the plant with you! I'm trying to watch TV!"

"Yes, sir," replied Harley. "C'mon Red," she said, taking her hand. "Best do what Mr. J says. He's just in a bad mood tonight. He ain't seen the Bat for weeks, he's upset that he chose Penguin over him, and he's nervous about this scheme he's got planned for tomorrow. You don't wanna bother Mr. J when he's in one of his moods – I found that out the hard way. Still got some scars on my heiney that didn't heal so good, but what can you expect from a stiletto? Just glad it wasn't my face, really. So where's the sugar?"

"What?" asked Ivy, trying hard not to imagine what Harley had been talking about.

"I asked you to bring me a bag of sugar," said Harley, puzzled. "I'm right in the middle of baking things and I'm all out. Ain't that why you're here?"

"Oh…yeah," said Ivy, shaking her head to clear her thoughts. "Well, you know how I feel about sugarcane, Harley. So I brought one of my babies who produces a sugar substitute instead. You can barely tell the difference."

"Yeah?" asked Harley, looking at the plant skeptically. "How does that work, then?"

Ivy smiled, and then put the plant down on the counter. She stroked one of its pods gently, murmuring, "C'mon, baby. Give Mommy some sugar."

Harley watched as the pod curled open, dropping some crystaline substance into Ivy's hand. She held it out to Harley. "Taste it. Bet you can't tell the difference."

Harley tentatively picked up one of the crystals and placed it on her tongue. "Hey, that ain't bad, Red!" she exclaimed, beaming. "Make some more, would ya? Says here I need three cups of sugar."

"What exactly are you baking?" asked Ivy, stroking open some more pods and collecting the sugar in a cup.

"It's a puddin'!" she exclaimed, turning around and smiling. "For my puddin'," she cooed, stroking the framed photograph of the Joker. She kept one in every room in the house, so that she'd never have to be without him. "Ain't he just the handsomest, Red?"

"You know my opinion of your boyfriend by now, Harl," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, you usually don't bake. You can't even cook. Why this sudden urge?"

"On account of Mr. J's bad mood," she replied. "Thought it might cheer him up to have something sweet to eat. He loves his goodies. Always eats his brownies in his TV dinners first. Speaking of which, you staying for dinner, Red?"

"If there's a microwavable delight spare, yes," she replied. "Completely synthesized, non-organic foodstuffs as they are, at least no plants were harmed making them."

"Ok, I'll pop 'em in after I put in the puddin'," she said.

Ivy wondered briefly how difficult it would be to slip some Poison Ivy toxin into the pudding while Harley wasn't looking. She imagined how pleasing it would be to watch the clown eat it, watch him realize something was wrong, choke, fall to his knees, and die gasping on the floor. She smiled to herself at the thought, but then imagined Harley screaming and sobbing over his body. That was the problem. As much as she hated him, she could never do that to Harley. Caring for people ruined everything.

"Here you go, puddin', and there's a little surprise for you after dinner!" said Harley, bringing out both her and Joker's meals while Ivy followed with hers.

She set it down with a kiss in front of Joker, who looked at it in disgust for a moment, then threw it across the room. "God dammit, Harley, this is the third week in a row we've had this crap!" he shouted, rounding on her. "Can't you just learn how to cook, like everyone else?"

"S…sorry, Mr. J," said Harley, clearly taken aback. "I thought you loved your TV dinners!"

"What I love is a little variety in my meals so I don't have to keep eating the same crap over and over again!" he shouted. "Now clean that up and make me a sandwich!"

"Yes, Mr. J," she murmured, going over to where he had thrown the food.

He picked up the TV remote and threw it at her, hitting her in the back. "Make me a sandwich first!" he shouted. "I'm starving, you stupid bitch!"

"Yes, boss," she said, rushing off into the kitchen. Ivy sat down well away from him, glaring at him.

"What?" he snapped.

"You hurt her again in front of me, and I'll make you wish you'd never been born," murmured Ivy.

"You really think you can take me without your little plants, Pammie?" he demanded. "Go right ahead."

Ivy ignored him, trying to eat her dinner and focus on the TV, although she was shaking with rage at seeing Harley treated like that. Harley returned a few moments later with the sandwich, cleaned up the mess, and finally sat down the on the couch next to Joker.

They all watched the TV in silence. The story had changed from the capture of the Penguin to the Mayor's re-election campaign, and Harley thought it safe to talk. "You have a good day, puddin'?" she asked Joker. "Did you get the new henchmen you wanted?"

"I'm trying to listen, Harley," he growled.

"Sorry," she murmured. She turned to Ivy. "How's the meal, Red?" she whispered.

"It's just delicious, thank you, Harl," she replied.

Harley beamed. "Glad you like…ow!" she exclaimed, as Joker struck her across the back of the head.

"You deaf?! I said I'm trying to listen!" he shouted at her.

Ivy leapt to her feet, reaching for the crossbow at her wrist and aiming it at Joker. "Are _you_ deaf?" she growled. "Or didn't you hear what I said about hurting Harley?"

"No, Red, it's ok, put it away," said Harley, quietly, massaging the back of her head. "It was my fault. I shouldn't have talked. Sorry, puddin'."

"Both of you just shut up!" he snapped. "I need to know where the Mayor's going to be tomorrow!"

"Mr. J's planning a little kidnapping," explained Harley. "He…"

Joker seized her round the throat, clapping his other hand over her mouth so she couldn't speak or breathe. "Let her go now, clown!" demanded Ivy.

Joker ignored her, staring intently at the screen as Harley struggled to breathe. Just as Ivy was about the pull the trigger on her crossbow, he released Harley, who took great, shuddering gasps of air, coughing.

"You ok, baby?" asked Ivy, genuinely concerned and rushing over to her.

"Yeah, fine, Red," she gasped. "Sorry, puddin', I'll be quiet."

"Come with me," said Ivy, firmly, leading her out of the room to the bathroom. She got her a glass of water while she examined her throat. "You sure you're ok?" she asked.

"Yeah, fine," repeated Harley, drinking the water slowly. "It's my fault. This hostage thing tomorrow is really important to Mr. J, and he's really concerned about it going off well. I need to be more understanding of that, and respect him. I shouldn't have talked. It was my fault."

"It was not your fault, Harley," growled Ivy. "You shouldn't let him treat you like that. No one should treat anyone like that, especially someone they're supposed to love."

"He does love me, Red, he's just in a bad mood, that's all," said Harley. "Normally I can handle it, but I'm screwing it all up tonight. But it's fine – I'll be good for the rest of the night. You'll see."

"Harley! Something's burning!" shouted Joker from the living room.

Harley clapped a hand to her mouth. "Cripes, I forgot the pudding!" she gasped. She rushed out of the room to the kitchen, followed by Ivy, to see black smoke billowing out from the oven. Joker arrived a moment later, coughing.

"What the hell are you trying to do, you dumb blonde?!" he shouted.

"Sorry, Mr. J, I just forgot!" she cried, opening the oven, seizing the flaming pudding, and throwing it into the sink. She was about to turn on the tap when the flames caught the curtains, setting them on fire.

"Harley…"

"I know, I know, Mr. J!" she cried, ripping the curtain rail down. "I'm an idiot! You're right, I'm being a dumb blonde tonight! This whole thing was a stupid idea!"

She threw the flaming mass out of the window. Joker stared at her and blinked. "You just threw that outside?" he murmured.

"Yeah. The asphalt ain't gonna catch fire, is it?" she demanded.

"It's not asphalt outside, you stupid girl!" he shrieked. "It's nearly twenty pounds of explosives for my hostage situation tomorrow!"

Harley stared back at him, then looked out the window. She sighed in relief. "It looks like we're ok, Mr. J," she said, turning back to him and smiling. "It got caught on the windowsill below. It should be fine as long as none of the sparks fall onto the…"

There was a sudden hissing sound from outside. "Aw, crud," muttered Harley.

"Harley, get back!" shouted Ivy, leaping at her.

But to her surprise, Joker reached Harley first. He shoved her away from the window and down to the ground, shielding her with his body as the explosion blew out the wall and much of the street. Ivy was shocked to see, as the smoke cleared, Joker clutching Harley protectively against his chest, while she held him tightly, eyes squeezed shut. Ivy saw something in Joker's face she had never seen there before that she could recall. It was something like tenderness, something like affection, some twisted, bizarre version of…love.

Joker noticed Ivy staring and quickly released Harley, who still clung onto him. "Harley, let go," he snapped.

"Sorry, Mr. J," she whispered. There were tears in her eyes.

"Do you have any idea what you've done, Harley?" he murmured quietly.

"Yeah, and I'm sorry, Mr. J!" she sobbed. "I'm so sorry! I've ruined everything! This has been a horrible night – everything's turned out wrong and it's all my fault! I only wanted to do something nice for you to cheer you up! And now your day is ruined tomorrow, and my night is ruined tonight, because you're really gonna hurt me, because I really upset you, and I know I deserve it! It's all my fault! I can't do anything right! I'm so sorry, Mr. J!"

"That's right, Harley," he murmured. "You wanted to do something nice for me and cheer me up. And you just have, baby!" he cried, grinning suddenly and laughing. "That was the prettiest explosion I've seen in a long time! It really made my night!"

"Really?" asked Harley, raising her tear-stained face to his.

"You know how much I love explosions, pooh," he murmured, kissing her forehead. "Nothing like a few fireworks to brighten up the night sky, and Daddy's mood!"

"But don't you need 'em for tomorrow, puddin'?" she asked.

"Aw, I'll steal some more, Harley baby," he replied. "They're easier to find in this town than water! And you know what else is great about this explosion? There's no way Bat-boy will be able to miss it!" he shouted, throwing up his arms into the night sky and laughing. "He's probably on his way here right now! Let's go prepare a surprise for him, pooh bear!"

"Ok, Mr. J!" cried Harley happily, leaping to her feet and clapping her hands. "You wanna stay and see Bats, Red?" she asked.

"Thanks but no thanks," replied Ivy, picking up her plant, which was thankfully unharmed by the blast. "I'll just be going. See you later, Harley. Joker," she said, nodding at him.

She watched them as she left the charred remains of the building, watched them laughing together as Joker cooked up one of his traps for Batman. For the first time, Ivy didn't mind leaving Harley with him. He was a horrible man, an abusive, twisted, psychotic creep, and he treated her like crap. But Ivy had seen something that night. It couldn't be called love. It couldn't even be called care. But it was something. Something she hadn't seen before. And she was glad it was there.


End file.
